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  • Writer's pictureKamal Khurana


Updated: May 11, 2023

Its normal that someone has experienced hurt because of some of your actions and words. May be you were not aware of many and may be you were aware of some. It is possible that you did not do things consciously. But because it is happened through you, only you can help that person heal up. Below the other’s anger, there’s hurt

Also it is not going to be easy for you, yet with a little awareness things can be handled in a better way that can foster a relatively quicker and effective healing. Relationships do go through their times and this one of them. Yet there’s a day after every night.


Feel Other’s Hurt – You need to go back to the dialogues you have had with the other. Recollect what was the pain point the other had been shouting, crying, pleading for. That fact was true, and is true for the other. And that’s the very root cause of the hurt that the other has experienced because of you. You need to step out of your shoes to feel the other person’s hurt because your mind is capable of defending your points. Only when you leave your thoughts, judgment, assessment of the situation aside for a while, you can feel what the other has felt.

Understand Other’s Hurt - You need to get the exact map of what had other wanted from you and what was actually very important for the other. You may have ignored it, not found it valid enough or found it non-sense. And that’s what brought the other to this state. Talk the other’s friends & family. Acknowledge your mistake first and then they can find the trust in you and share. If you aren’t able to find out you can seek professional help.

Heal Other’s Hurt - After gaining all the understanding of the root cause of the other’s hurt, you need do anything and everything to make the other know the following –

· You are aware of your contribution,

· You feel sorry and then say sorry too

· You are making your attempts to work on yourself to bring a change in you

· You are bringing the change in your overall life

· You thank the other to be this way and that’s brought you in this frame to improvise

· You actually do all the things from best of your ability to help the other.

· You will do it forever, not to just please the other

You need to pull up your socks to do this uphill task. you will feel the burn out quite a many times.

Continue the above throughout the stages of healing - Also you need to know the following fundamentals that you need to keep in your mind under all circumstances –


1. Healing takes time. You need to have loads of acceptance and ownership of your partner. It may happen that at many times you will encounter difficult communications, anger outburst. But you need to be prepared that all this is going to come your way.

2. Find and implement ways to handle your own burn out It is not a easy road. You will burn out if you are in a hurry. You will need to forget the output and seek help from your support systems, your family and friends. You can also work on your inner self and outer self by enrolling into some of your hobbies.

3. Be Aware of your frustration whenever it comes out

It is possible that you end up reacting. But this will be like axing your own feet. You have no position to react. Not at all.

4. Have a Belief that these are Stages

Time and again you will get tired when you don’t get the output you expect. Here it becomes important to remember that these are stages.

5. Be committed to graduate the stages

Your actions in the positive direction is the only solution to the problem at hand. Strong faith backed by forward thinking and action will lead to success.

6. Don’t Fake it, because You cant

If you fake it, you will get caught. The other is already into denial, if you are superficial about it, you will end up quick fixing it. Remember there are no shortcuts to success.


1st Stage - DENIAL

At first the other This is the first stage where the other wants immediate relief by simply swallowing the pain. In this stage one also represses negative emotions like fear and anger.

Its like a sudden silence before the storm. Some people tend to take help of alcohol, drug or diverting the mind by socializing abnormally with friends. Some resort to more subtle escape such as TV, Over work, sleep, over eating etc. At times people go from one way to other without actually meaning to do them. It's like the mind's way to deal with the shock to conserve energy and keep up their feet from the cold water. This stage works till one is not ready to feel with a hurt by choosing to not face it. In a way everyone can notice that something is strange.

2nd Stage - ANGER

This is the actual expression of the hurt. Generally people go through this stage for a longer period, till the opposite side doesn’t acknowledge their contribution to the damage. So this is an obvious reaction to the damage caused by you to the other. The other doesn’t enjoy going through either of the stages. It is the others helplessness to get what was required on time, that transforms into outburst of anger. This stage needs to be handled with lot of sensitivity. Its easy to fall in the trap of responding back to the other. So if you find other mean, selfish or hysterical, you are making a mistake of further aggravating the situation. The other doesn’t want to listen to anything at this stage, but also somewhere at subconscious observing your responses. You are expected to just give in and acknowledge your mistake. The other will not be rational at all in this stage, yet at subconscious level this is a cry for help from his/her side. you need to be very wise to not respond with retaliation, instead you need to calm down, by acknowledging your mistake, while giving other a chance to express anger in his/her own way. Of course you cannot blindly approve all that the other is saying in the fit of rage. It is a tough call though.

3rd Stage - DISBELIEF

This stage doesn’t come too soon. And this is the test of reality. You need to work a lot, have a lot of patience and acceptance and also work on your emotional state, to get the other to this stage. The other may have stopped talking to you, or responded with acquisition and blame. But only if you really work upon the above mentioned way of healing the hurt by the 3 steps Master Formula of Healing the Hurt by - Feeling other’s hurt, Understanding other’s hurt and Healing other’s hurt, you will see the shift from anger to disbelief. It is the true test of your love for yourself and the other, that you can witness this stage. Some take few days to few months to few years to see this transition. It’s not impossible, but yes it is tough to see our own self and our own contribution, while ignoring the other’s, while accepting the other for who the other is and the way he is. If you have your own issue, again it is recommended to seek professional help, if you are unable to work on your self. With your committed and relentless efforts, you can certainly see the other tweaking out from the shell. This stage certainly comes for those who believe in themselves and the relationship. It’s like the foot in the door. And then immediately you need to be ready to accept for any negotiation that the other is ready for. And this is the next stage.


Once when you have proved to the other that you have transformed, the other will want to negotiate with you. And that’s the test of your work on yourself. It should be easy for you to do the best from your side to ensure that other feels healed. This stage is like the battle almost won, depending on the fact that you show your full integrity and intention to ensure the healing of the other. Your mind can still play foul, by judging other’s expectations as invalid. Yet by all means you need to selflessly care for the other and his/her needs, without thinking about your needs at all. Only when you feel this way authentically for the other, the other will get to the next stage of caring for your needs too. But even during this stage of negotiations, you are not expected to mention about your needs at all. This is like growing a mango tree. You would do anything and everything to care for the seed to turn into a sapling and then into a plant and finally to a big tree. And you would do all this without mentioning or thinking about mangoes. And one day it is certain that there will be mangoes. And of course you cant slip back into your earlier patterns when the tree bears the fruit.

5th Stage - SUPPORT

This is a stage which comes to all those who know their goal of healing the hurt and act on it. in this stage the other finds it safe to fulfill your needs as well in your pursuit of life. Fortune needs to be created by being open, being understanding and acting in the right direction.

If you want to give additional opportunity to your relationship then it is critical to pick best relationship counsellor Delhi.

Good luck

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